For as long as I can remember I’ve always lugged around around the weight of being an outsider.
The feeling of being an outsider and isolated from those you hold closest, is one that creeps up on sporadically. It’s as if it hunts me down. Preying on me from afar so I don’t notice, lowing my guard due to a false sense of security, all the while observing my every emotion. Logically waiting for the perfect moment to strike . To consume and plague my mind, my thoughts, my emotions. Making the good thoughts sour whilst the sour thoughts turn to darkness.
All I’m left with is an eternal war that seems to never have an ending. The constant battle that manifests between serotonin and the enemy that is isolation.
As that battle escalates another one begins – to cry or to hide. I find myself trapped between if I should maintain a fake facade that I’m perfectly perfect or to allow myself to confine in someone I trust. The main issue I have with this is to be able to to talk to someone I trust I have to first believe that I can trust them and they do care for me. Isolation has many a time made sure to inform me that any said person I trust and care do doesn’t reciprocate those feelings. In layman’s terms I’m left feeling like no one could give any sort of flying fuck, shits or cunts about me.
In order to win the war I need to learn and truly believe that the issue is not that no one cares but rather just the monster.
(26th May 2019)