I’ve been delaying writing about this, which is somewhat ironic.

I have a massive issue with communication. More specifically I dislike telling people my opinion or true feelings. The idea of burdening someone who is most likely going through their own stuff, with my additional issues makes me feel like I’m being selfish and definitely guilty. Moreover I also believe my reluctance to express myself has to do with the relationship I had with my mother growing up. For whenever I did express my opinion it would result in world war 3. Primarily I believe my mother to be a factor because we have never seen eye to eye and it didn’t help that we have the temper so when things didn’t get communicated correctly we would collide.

As a result of this being a weekly ritual I think I’ve carried the concern that if I express my opinion, then someone will disagree or not fully understand my point thus causing an argument. So to prevent this I would simple agree or shut myself off from the situation. (This route is most common I’ve found with me when already in an argument and fear that expressing myself would only make it worse – “if you have nothing nice to say than don’t say anything at all”) .

I’m not 100% sure about what my deal with not being upfront and honest with my emotions is, that I’m still trying to figure out. Most commonly when someone doesn’t open up about their emotions it can be due to the fact that they don’t won’t to be vulnerable, particularly with those they often care for the most.

I suppose in my case that could be a viable evaluation of myself as well but I’m going to leave the diagnostic to the professionals.

Despite all this there are only 2 situations I’ve come across so far where I have expressed my opinion without regard of how the other may take it:

Situation 1 – when I’m so far beyond angry or annoyed that I loose my filter and whatever I’m thinking just blurts out.

Situation 2 – when Ive been drinking and the time comes for me to stand up to a friend most commonly against a guy who won’t leave us be.

(28th May 2019)

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