I don’t understand where it comes from. I don’t know why it happens. All I know is that once it starts I can’t seem to get out of it by myself. I don’t even know what it is.
The intensity could drown me in my own tears if I did’t at least try to fight them back; regardless of if I am alone or enclosed by a swam of people. It’s so sudden, like a switch has been flicked in my brain. Removing all feelings of security and comfort, replaced with doubt, fear and self loath. It won’t stop. The one thing to be grateful for is that it doesn’t happen everyday but in someways doesn’t that make it worse? The not knowing, the sneak attack my own brain can perform, the uncertainty of it all.
I’ve just had a really nice day. A barbecue with my family underneath the protection of the glowing sun. Burgers, hot dogs, Kebabs. Potato salad, olives, cocktails. Flowing conversations about my blessing of a relationship accompanied by jokes that filled the air with laughter and our faces with smiles. Once finished I met an old friend where we went for drinks and then to an arcade. One of the small ones attached to a bowling ally. The clanging of fallen pins and heavy bowling balls echoing which chaperoned the dropping metal pennies all to synchronised with five second theme tunes as a new player takes on a new level on space invaders.
Yet despite this, I still feel like I don’t belong, like i have no one to talk to but here’s the catch I do not even know what I would talk about. This feeling that everyone has someone and I am just an after thought, just there waiting to be picked. I hate it. Feeling as if no one actually cares about/ for me. Everyone would rather be with someone else. How do people fit in? How are people accepted? Why can’t i seem to do? Why do i always convince myself that I am an outsider, invited out of pity. I hate this feeling. Worthlessness. I want to do more to fit in with people, to help more but lord knows I get anxiously awkward and just make things worse for myself. There has got to be a way to fight this though do I have the constant and consistent energy to? So many questions and with too few of an answer. Days like this I long to be’normal’ to be happy. To not have to burden myself with the deep dark dungeon of my imprisoned mind.
I know I can talk to my partner about this, however, I also know that he has so much going on and so many other little stresses that he doesn’t necessarily need my addition. Or even still, the guilt I would feel about bringing down his mood to match mine – isn’t that just selfish ? He’d still be there though, to help me as he has done before.
I have previously started to see someone for my anxiety so I hope to bring this up to her and get her wisdom but until then this shall be my outlet. My source of sanity and sanctuary. A place to escape the confinement of my conscience. Therefore I shall be thankful for this.