My mother.

My mother.

The fact that I had to speak with my sister about having a safe place to run to worries me.

The fact that my sister burst out in tears as I spoke terrifies me.

My sister, the one with the wittiest come backs and the sharpest mouth, who goes around with a massive front like the world doesn’t get to her. As an older sister I have never felt more like I have failed her. I should have been the first to notice it was a front, a facde, a way to cope; as I did the same. I acted crule. Distant. Looking back I acted as if no-one cared about me and I didn’t care about anything. I bulit a wall which delevoped into a castle to keep the ‘princess’ safe, and of course it came fully equipped with a fire breathing dragon – my anger. My sisters castle whilst built under the same circumstances; her dragon didn’t breath fire, hers had came equipt with a smart mouth that could cut even the toughest if people down.

Tonight, I told my sister that if she needs a break from my,(our) mother to come to me. That my partner and I will at the least have a sofa with her name on. That she is welcome in our home until things where she lives have calmed, that I will walk back into the house we should call home with her – side by side. Tonight I told my sister that although I am moving on and moving out I will be there to help and defend her. That she could borrow my dragon and seek refuge within my new castle.

I do not want to doubt that our mother tried her best with me and is trying her best with my sister and brother. But there comes a time where trying is not doing enough. When trying becomes empty promises continuously washed away by lack of change; there’s only so many times you can allow youself to be deluded by the improbable. What you’re left with is your own children, your children who should be able to trust their paretns to protect them from harm, understand that blood isn’t always thickier than water and that sometimes friends become the family you need as well as deserve.

Our parents gave us all that they didn’t have growning up. Our parents worked hard for the money they earned to spend it on us first and themselves second. But money doesn’t buy happiness – that saying is not just a saying, not just some fiction strung together to impress and inspire the young and niave, to keep the less wealthy in line. This saying is factual. Money does not buy happiness. I am not saying as kids and as we are now we aren’t happy, for we, i’d like to believe are and will continue to find happiness and comfort in the small things, the assitance of friends who help us through the hardship; friends who become more blood than blood itself. We find it buried within the days without arguments or worry of an argument as we walk through the door. Days where we don’t tip toe around the house for fear of an eruption,collision, disruption, days where our voices don’t fall upon deaf ears or to be met with the respone”respect has to be earnt” What I’ve come to lean is this, that phrase is a two way street and if you as parents can’t automatically respect the ones who look up to you with all the love in the world and more – then why should you receive my respect let alone trust.

I am not going to go into depth of specifics for there’s no need. People belive what they want, and who are you to believe the words a stranger has typed. I wouldn’t. Not whole heartedly. So no I shall not ransack my mind for the events I call trauma. I shall not relive the memories I chose to forget from a childhood best forgotton and moved on from. Yet still the damage is done and it continues to be an issue.

Instead i’ll say this.

My mother, is a specifc person. One I believe wants to do good but can’t always communicate it well. She, I, belive has gone through somehting of her own which she won’t express to her children, or perhaps just me. I belive that she believes, or at least once upon a time, that she was a bad mother – because I heard the words come from her mouth. My mother is not a mum to me. But I prayed she would have been more of one to my siblings. That she would almost learn from what binds us (my mother and I together) and take a less defensive stance with my siblings. Sadly I use to wish for this change as I grew up and never saw a change and have no eveidence that this change will occur, yet I shall remain hopefull however I will most definatly keep a strict eye and ear to the ground in regards to the on goings with that household because the second I become aware of somehting that should not be occuring my newly and well trained dragon will come out to defend again, only I won’t be the one to defend.

I would like to state that I am not a mother yet, I do not fully know the stresses and pressures a mother faces. I do however know how to be a decent person. Everyone knows how to be a decent person, it’s just making a conscinous choice to help others and not to berate unnecessarily. Now some people will look at mine or my siblings life and question why I am complaining. Since we didnt go a day without food or go to sleep without a bed.

I am writting this because for 20 years I have delt with my mother and the second I moved out for uni I recived a text from my sister saying “mum’s doing to me what she did to you” and it broke my heart that my sister is going through what I went through, that i’m not there to help her. I should be able to trust my mother, it worries me that I can’t.

Today I had a conversation with my sister about a safe place to run to and it makes me happy that she knows she has me.